My Life On Gor

Being so close …

May 12, 2010 at 11:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I sent out three letters. One secretly to Lady Kyss as it is rumored she resides in the village at the base of the mountain below the mysterious Treve. We are at war with them. Another to Lady Ju who’s still in Hammerskog. And one disguised in candy to Twist as I have her Master’s permission to send her some.

As I sit in my apartment, the sounds of Port Kar are drowned out by the loneliness in my heart. It’s been some time now that I was released. My life as a Free Woman often feels like a lie, even worse a nightmare I can’t wake up from. So foolish I was to challenge him like I did. So foolish to never truly show him the depths of my feelings for him. Looking back I told him thousands of times that I loved him, but how often did I make him feel it with my actions. If only I could go back and try again. But would it have ended any different?

The other day I thought I saw him in Kar. Rumor around the city is that he was in the port, but at that point I’d just returned from Hammerskog and was busy with the paper work for their next order.

To look at me, one would not realize the true feelings that lie inside. I don’t stay busy just for the success, but more for the fact that it stops me, most days from thinking about him. I smile when I would really like to curl up and cry. Every day is the same, I continue to live, ignoring the pain, the heartache as I screw on a smile and go about my business.

Ben knows the truth. He is a good man. On our trip he made sure I had my space to let my pain take over. Something about the lull of sea gives me the freedom to cry, to feel angry. It holds me, cradling my broken soul bringing me comfort. For a moment it is though I’m safe again in his arm, the feel of his collar heavy around my neck. If I close my eyes tight enough I can hear his voice on the ocean wind, his smell surrounding me as the wind blows into the sails.

There is a song I would listen to on earth, never really understanding the words, now I understand them.

“What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken”

As I dry my eyes, preparing again to lead my new life, I can’t help but wonder what he’s doing. Does he think of me? Does he hurt and crave for me as much as I hurt and crave for him? I miss him. Will this ever go away?

With much love,

Lady Beth